Knock knock

Oh hi, how’s it going? It’s me! Every girl ever. I’m really looking forward to this date. I’m not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met, the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let’s start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You’ll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There’s my decorative birdcage over there even though I don’t have a bird, and there’s my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don’t know what the hell that’s thing’s all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn’t it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my little tiny dog there. That’s “Mr Fuzzy Paws” Why don’t you pet him and act like you like him even though you hate little dogs? There you go. Oh, he took a little bite at your eye there huh? Yeah, he’ll do that. Hey, let’s check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we’re really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we’re holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That’s to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don’t talk to any of these girls anymore because now they’re all bitches.

Let’s go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I’m going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don’t you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It’s like you’re sitting in a hug! Be right back…

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don’t know what the hell I was doing in there. Let’s go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I’m totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you’re a really good guy because that’s what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don’t need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I’ll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He’s a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let’s talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can’t believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don’t need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I’ve got an idea, let’s go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It’ll be great, it will be just like how we’re drinking here, only it will be louder and we’ll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn’t this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It’s a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let’s go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine’s so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I’m back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we’re going to do it again sometime! Maybe I’ll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that’s as empty as my soul. Good night!

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog, but today was one of those days where I rolled out of bed with a little extra assholicness in my blood.   The alarm was beeping, the cat was meowing, the sun was coming through my blinds, and I just decided that I was going to be in an angry mood today.

In this blog I will discuss:

Having two jobs and why it sucks.
Michael Vick
Stupid things people say
Pregnant women
Homeless People
Money
President Obama
Jesus Freaks / Idiots
New movies coming out
and exactly what I have been up to recently.

I’ll start off with why having two jobs sucks balls.  First, let me say that I loved working in a video store back when I was in High School and college.  So a couple of months ago, when my job at the charity I work for cut my hours, I decided the best course of action would be to get a second job to suppliment my income….so I got a job at a video store.

It’s a really retro video store, where they actually still rent and sell a large number of VHS tapes, to go along with DVD and Blu Ray.  Most of their business, as I have discovered, comes from selling porn DVDs to perverts who obviously have never heard of the internet.   Working in the store is actually kind of a cool job.   I don’t really have to do very much and spend most of my time watching movies or sitting on my ass texting people.   The problem is that when combined with a real 9-5 job, working 5 hours a night in retail kind of sucks dick.   The first hour is brings on a “I should have called out, I want to go home and lay down” mood.  The second hour is more about “almost half-way done with my shift, let me find a long enough movie to watch for the next 3 hours.”   The third hour is when your back starts to hurt, and your feet start to ache.   In the fourth hour you start to calculate the financial consequenses of quitting.   In the 5th hour, you start to dread the closing duties, such as counting down the registers and filling out all the paperwork.   It sucks and I am too good for it.

I took the job not realizing that I would get a better fulltime offer from a new job within days….so now I have the luxury of being able to quit the video store whenever I want, but just out of a sense of duty, I will stick it out for another month or so, just because I don’t want to be that guy who works somewhere for three weeks.

Meanwhile, I am in the last day and a half of the worst job I have ever had, working for a charity.   The pay is shit, the people are pretentious social workers who think they are making a difference, and I have no windows in my office….so I have no idea if it is actually raining shit on my life, like I feel it is.    But as of tomorrow at 1pm, I will be a memory for this place… WOO HOO!

Michael Vick

Michael Vick is just a complete piece of shit.  Everyone is debating whether or not they should let him play football again, but that isn’t really what they should be arguing.   They should be debating whether or not they let him breathing the air on this planet.   I would prefer to see him launched into the sun, but that’s just me.

Stupid things people say

This morning my boss said to the girl in the office next to me “How was the funeral?”

Really?

How does anyone answer that question?   “Ohhh it was awesome.  He climbed out of the casket and did the thriller dance.”  or “He hadn’t really rotted very much yet, and the smell was tolerable, so I’d say it was successful!”

Instead, she answered like I thought she would answer:  “It was a wonderful service.”   Really?  I am sure the guy in the casket didn’t think it was so wonderful.  Actually, he probably didn’t think much of anything, because more than likely he has been blanked out of existance compeltely and is no longer a centiant being.    How can a funeral be wonderful?  Unless you’re a morbid creep, funerals suck.  They always suck, unless you’re happy the person died.

Pregnancy

Every goddamn woman in my office is pregnant (and no, it wasn’t my fault).   I cannot stand pregnant women and how much they talk about their cervix.    If I came into this office and talked about my sperm count, or my prostate, or something along those lines…these stupid women would tattle on me and try to make my life a living hell….but I have to listen to them talk about their cervixes and all sorts of other gross shit.

New Rule: If you are more than 1 month pregnant, you must have your face ducttaped shut.

Money

So the economy seems to be improving, which is awesome for me because right now I don’t have any money.   I am starting a new job on monday which will pay pretty well, and I have two roommates who theoretically will be paying my mortgage for me as I accumulate bankroll.

You know how you are doing well?  When you are drinking gatorade.  You never see a homeless man drinking gatorade.

Obama

I fought hard for Obama, and really wanted him to get into office and make a difference….but I must admit, the members of his own party are cockblocking right now.   The problem with healthcare and with the healthcare bill is that the insurance companies still get to play a role at all.   We need to nationalize the insurance companies and do some sort of thing that switches what their job actually is, because needing insurance is stupid.    If people are sick, they should be able to go to the doctors office, pay a flat fee of like 25 dollars and get healed.  Maybe 5 bucks per medication as well.    Figure it out Cheif.

Jesus Freaks

Last but not least, I must get to the Jesus freaks.   Why do people believe in this shit?  Why do people get so obsessed with an idea that doesn’t have a shred of proof to back it up.

People say, “well I don’t need proof…sometimes you just have to believe.”

Wrong.  When making an extraordinary claim, you must have proof or at least some evidence if you don’t want to sound like an idiot.   I could tell you that I have a dragon living in my closet, and you would say “prove it.”  I could just come back and say “you can’t prove it isn’t there” and it would be the same argument that people make for Jesus and all those other religions.

People, quit wasting your time.  Trust me, you are here for a very short time….so do your best not to murder people and hope for the best, like I do.

So, tomorrow is friday.   One of the benifits of having my hours cut back at my current job is that I now have long weekends (fridays and mondays off).   But since I am starting my job at the video store on Monday, I have decided that this is the perfect time to take a nice little excursion to the beach.

So, Wilmington, be on the lookout!   I am cruising into town tomorrow morning and will be stopping by all of the usual places.  UNCW, Elizabeth’s Pizza, and Wrightsville Beach.

Growing up, I was a big Michael Jackson fan.  I still believe that the choreography for Thriller was one of the coolest things I have ever seen.  Dancing zombies…you just can’t beat it (pun intended).

Michael Jackson died last thursday, stealing the thunder from Farrah Fawcett.   I, for one, was shocked that he died, but the more I thought about it, it really shouldn’t have been a suprise.   He was 6′0 tall and 105 lbs.   That isn’t healthy, especially for a 50 year old man.  He had also been rumored to be under the influence of a lot of prescription medications.   Also, you really shouldn’t let pet chimps eat at the dinner table.

I am sad to see MJ go, because I enjoyed his music, but really I am more distressed at the amount of people, not just celebrities, that are dying as a result of prescription meds.   You do not need to take pills for every little thing.   More and more people treat every problem they have with more and more drugs.  Can’t sleep? Pills.  Sleep too much? Pills.  Too sad? Pills.  Too happy? Pills.  Stub your toe? Pills.  It’s getting ridiculous and more attention needs to be paid to this subject.

Aside from predicting the Indians to win the AL Central (they currently have the worst record in the American League), I think I am doing OK.   The Texas Rangers are doing better than I figured, as well (which is suprising, seeing as how Josh Hamilton has missed a bulk of the season with various ailments).

My prediction for American League MVP was Mark Texeira, and he really has a shot.  Right now he is currently 2nd in the AL in Homeruns (20) and in the top 5 in RBIs.  He also has not committed an error in his first 75 games with the Yankees.

My NL MVP was David Wright.   He currently is leading the NL in batting average, but it looks as if he will miss out on this award to Albert Pujols.   The ‘Amazin Albert has 28 homeruns thus far, including 6 multi-homerun games.

Look for some big trades to start happening soon, as teams fall out of contention.

My favorite time of year is here…the beginning of the MLB season. Here are my predictions:

AL East:

Boston Red Sox

Yankees (Wild Card)

Rays

Blue Jays

Orioles

AL Central

Indians

Twins

Royals

White Sox

Tigers

AL West

Athletics

Angels

Texas

Mariners

National League

NL East

Mets

Phillies

Marlins

Braves

Nationals

NL Central

Cubs

Cardinals

Reds

Brewers

Astros

NL West

Dodgers

Diamondbacks (Wild Card)

Giants

Rockies

Padres

AL MVP: Mark Texiera    NL MVP: David Wright

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester    NL Cy Young: Johan Santana

AL Rookie of the Year: Matt Weiters     NL Rookie of the Year: Kenshin Kawakami

Playoffs: Boston over Oakland

Yankees over Indians

Yankees over Boston

Mets over Dodgers

Cubs over Diamonbacks

Cubs over Mets

Cubs over Yankees

I hope you have all been following the Presidential Election. I have been following it closely and, from what I can tell, it’s getting ugly out there. We have attack advertisements from both sides. We have one VP candidate whom I havn’t seen on TV since the convention, and one who is on every news show, every sketch show, and every magazine cover.

Why can’t the real world be more like The West Wing? Arnie Vinick (Alan Alda) and Matt Santos (Jimmy Smitts) were such a great pair of bright, thoughtful candidates. I guess it is too much to ask of our candidates these days.

Meanwhile the economy is in the toilet even worse than ever. At least I am not the only one wondering how he is going to pay his rent next month. Misery loves company, I guess.

On the bright side, though, my Dolphins beat the Patriots 38-13 on Sunday. I guess I can focus on football now that the Yankees are basically out of it and have played their last game in the Cathedral.

I can’t wait for Halloween. I have an awesome costume planned.

Waking up every day, I jump right onto all of the usual job sites.  Monster.com, craigslist.com, careerbuilder.com, hotjobs, etc.   Being without a job, especially after having a great one for the last few years, is a pride-swallowing siege which can only be experienced, not explained.

In the past six weeks, I have interviewed at several places, for several types of positions.   I have interviewed at an echocardiography place, as an assistant to the marketing director.  I have interviewed at software companies and furniture companies.   So far, no luck.

My dad always said to ‘make your vacation your vocation.’   Well, for him it was easy.   He enjoyed playing with electronics, so he became an electrician for the phone company.   Then he started his own business fixing electronics.  Simple, right?  But what about the millions of us whose vacation involves listening to a baseball game while lying on the beach drinking ice tea (with lemon…MMMM!)?

For the people like us, and me especially, our career aspirations should be to find a job that we can excel at while still being happy.  No one really wants to spend all day in a cubicle, but we have to, so we might as well do something we like while we are in there.  Thus, that is my true career aspiration.  To find a job I like to do, no matter what it is, and become the best at it.

So, while my health insurance has now run out, and my unemployment benefits run out in 4 months, I continue to search for that position.   It’s just a matter of getting in the door for an interview at the right time and seizing the opportunity.